Who the f**k is Alice?!

It’s taken me a while to write this as I struggled with whether I could be so open, but here goes.

Last Autumn, I had the worst bout of depression I have ever had. So bad that I couldn’t handle things any more and knew I needed to get help. The Doctor I saw was astonishingly kind and sympathetic. Looking into his warm brown eyes, I instantly felt much better, this man actually cared.  I mentioned I was not keen on medication, so he told me he would put me forward for Counselling, as I may find this a more effective alternative in the long term.

Counselling. Even the word put me off. The image of a drab room, with wing-backed chairs and a ticking clock…a ‘sympathetic’ face looking at you, head cocked to one side…..but reluctantly, I agreed.

As I arrived at my first session, my heart was literally beating out of my chest. What would they say? Would they just expect me to talk whilst they listened? Would they suggest a way forward whilst I snivelled into a tissue? Well, my Counsellor, Alice, seemed nice enough as she opened the door and led me through to the room….but as we went through, to my horror, the room was EXACTLY as I had imagined. I wanted to run the other way screaming, but I thought this might have me sectioned, so I took a deep breath and went in.

The first session mainly consisted of me crying. It felt good to let out everything that I had been holding in since I moved out of our house almost 3 years ago. She told me this was to be expected, I had not properly dealt with the breakdown of my marriage, having launched head long into another relationship and then been very busy with the new direction my career was taking. As anticipated, she tried to link things back to my childhood, but you see, my childhood was a happy time, so she had a hard job on her hands!

Over the weeks, we have spoken a lot about my worries and things that have been covered in other blog posts that I won’t bore you with. Talking about things has made me see I shouldn’t feel guilty about feeling ‘down’ at times and that this is normal, as I have experienced a great deal of ‘loss’ as she describes it, in the past few years. Loss of friendships, family, husband and home.

On a lighter note, Alice has demanded that I ‘get out and have fun’ and also encouraged me, after a recent stint on Diazepam for my back spasms, to get myself some more of these delightful prescription drugs! I looked her with The Face (if you know me, you’ll know the one – it smacks of sarcasm and incredulity).

I told her I would be all over the Diazepam like a bad rash if I had the chance, but I could see myself getting addicted to the calm they bring me, which is something I would like to experience naturally, however long it takes me to get there.

I then launched into a monologue regarding the male species, telling her the only men I seem interested in are either with someone else, emotionally unavailable ‘Peter Pan’ types or do not see me in the same way.

Clasping her hands together (she does a lot of this combined with the head tilt), she looked me in the eye and basically told me to get out there and have promiscuous / no strings sex. I mean, who am I to argue? I certainly know who to blame if it all goes wrong!

I would really like to do this, I think I need to do this, but am not sure I can do this. You see sex for me, no matter what my initial mind set, will always involve feelings. This is usually because I know the person I have reached this stage with, I like to have people as friends first, am old fashioned like that. Maybe I need to change my outlook. Anyway, I digress.

At the last session, my slightly patronising and condescending Counsellor commented on my jumper. “Your choice of jumper today is interesting, depiction of a stag. Such a strong animal. Are you feeling strong?” I stifled a giggle. How cliché?  Also, how could I reply with “I only got up an hour ago and it was the first thing in my wardrobe I came across”?!

Joking aside though, I am feeling stronger and am actually in the best place I have been in for years.

I am ready to move on. Ready to meet new and interesting people. I crave culture, travel and fine wine….laughing til my sides hurt and kissing in the rain. 

I am ready to finally let my guard down. And, in an equally ‘Alice’ way of putting things, I am finally ready to be ME.